We’re All Icky

I’ve been feeling emotionally icky lately.

Weird, huh? I mean, I’m a hardcore meditator. I do yoga every single day. I eat super-clean…hell I’m 51 years old with 6-pack abs. I should have rainbows shooting out of my ass, right?

Why the icky?

Why do we have moments when we feel drained, misunderstood, bothered, defeated? Like life has dealt us blows that we can sometimes put our finger on, sometimes not. And we females have the added responsibility of feeling like our problems aren’t bad ENOUGH to warrant the internal emotional reactions we tie to them. You know the backstory. Hysteria. Fainting couches. Smelling salts. Insane asylums. And males have for the most part been conditioned to feel that their emotions, positive or negative, are wussy.

Who are we and why do we feel we need to justify our feelings with proof or that our feelings should be hidden from the world?

The truth is, my own current ickiness story really isn’t something I need to trumpet loudly in my very first blog post. The why I’m feeling this way doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s real in my head and I’ve been wrestling with it.

The why doesn’t matter but you know what does matter a whole bunch? That ickiness, those unresolved private traumas, are something that connects every human on the planet because we all have them, and they all make us feel like shit. They keep us from being free and living in the moment and grabbing our lives by the balls.

We all have the moments but it’s something someone somewhere decided is uncool to discuss and living in a social media world with influencers and celebrities makes it even less cool. And for some reason we’ve collectively decided that we should all just pretend like our lives are as perfect as the filtered selfies we post rather than someone somewhere drawing a line in the sand and saying nah, sometimes life sucks and I’m suffering, and I know you know what I’m talking about.

The fact is that although we’ve been conned into thinking that we’re not enough, that we’re the only ones who feel this way, and that those shoes or that makeup could possibly fill that hole because that perfect person says it definitely will…well, it’s just not true.

That perfect person sometimes feels icky and not enough too. Yep, so does that celeb whose reality seems amazing from where you're standing. Yep, so do all your coworkers. Yep, so do I. Currently, in fact.

So who are we and why have we decided that we should all lie to each other about being okay when we’re all not?

We’re human. Our human brains were initially designed to keep us out of deadly trouble in the form of lions and poisonous snakes and starvation and evolved into taking that same fight-or-flight and making it all about keeping up with the Joneses. And having big feelings about what that jerk said behind our backs. That it’s not healthy or okay to say you’re going through some shit because it makes you weak.

Why do we do this? Why do we push down those icky feelings of how we sometimes feel about stuff and where we are in our lives rather than just outing ourselves with the truth that we occasionally feel crappy? The standard answer to the question “how are you?” is usually “fine”. I’d venture to guess that the vast majority of folks who reply this way aren’t fine at all, they just don’t want to bother you with their problems or they want to keep it hidden to avoid being labeled hysterical or a wuss or worse yet, getting your *gasp* pity.

We’re not all “fine”. Sometimes we’ve got big trauma that pops up out of nowhere, sometimes that trauma is definable, sometimes we’ve got little problems here and there. The norm that we’re “fine” and it’s cool to behave like we’re untouchable and unmovable is not normal. It’s freaking bananas.

It’s okay to sometimes feel sad, traumatized, envious, hurt, angry. We’re human and we need a minute to process that sometimes things are not happening the way they should in our own personal opinion. I mentioned earlier that I’m big-time into the mindful practices of meditation and yoga and I still feel these feelings, even though I’m trained to understand that I can indeed simply change my opinion of a situation I can’t control instead of suffering. There are zero rainbows shooting out of my ass, my practices keep me sane and fit but they don’t turn me into some magical unicorn. It’s how I cope, which is a far better way than my former method of drinking myself into a stupor to avoid the feelings altogether.

Yeah, this blogger who owns designer stuff and has lots of friends and family and validation had major issues with alcoholism. And depression. And eating disorders. That shiz happens to everybody in some form. We’ve all got our stuff no matter how much better you think everybody is than you or vice versa.

It’s human and normal and okay to feel icky sometimes. If you feel it now, it’s normal and it’s temporary and it’s okay to ask for help or to be heard. The key is to attempt some balance in our brains and just be aware that the feelings we feel are at some point felt by everybody. That they’re just feelings we don’t necessarily need to identify our personalities with but to actually give ourselves permission to feel and process so we can resolve them or make peace with them. They’re from our evolved brains that don’t need to worry about running from lions anymore so now we worry about what people think of us and why does she get that luxury spa getaway and not me and yadda yadda yadda.

Being aware that our icky feelings are just the product of our reality not meeting our opinion of how that reality should be playing out is everything. That ickiness is your brain and your soul playing the Superbowl against each other, only one can win. Instead of brain and soul just noticing when some shit’s gone off the rails and playing on the same team to control what messes we can and overlook the stuff that’s out of our control. And admitting we’re not perfect.

It’s ourselves fighting against…ourselves. Some battle that nobody can see but ourselves.

Meditation and yoga help me center myself during these times, but I’m still human so those practices don’t cure me of it. It’s part of the human experience to feel this way sometimes. If you don’t have some outlet to help give your brain and soul the time outs they need so they can play nice and on the same team, find one. Knitting, playing an instrument, working on your carburetor, jogging, singing 80’s music loudly and off-key…all good ways too if you “get in your flow” love them.

Let’s normalize not answering “fine” when we’re not. We’re all humans here. Let’s normalize that icky, in all its forms, is a human thing that’s okay and happens to us all.